Good Guys, Bad Guys

"I seen bad men do good things and I've seen good men do bad things."

Sometimes, the good guys do really bad things. For some reason, they're still good though. I don't know why that is. A bad guy can do as many good things as he wants- had can do good things all day long!- but he will still be a bad guy.

This kind of surfaced this week while I was with my friends. Some of my friends are good kids and some of them are really bad. That's always the way it is. In every group there are "good kids" and "bad kids." It's not like the bad kids are going to bomb my school tomorrow or anything. I'm talking social preditors. I'm talking kids who are really messed up inside.

The hole not made for me.

My world is closing in on me
I'm crushed beneath its weight
I'm stuck
It's over
I can't escape
These walls which box me in
And pinch
And squeeze
Are forcing me
Already oddly shaped
Into a hole which will not fit
A hole not made for me.

The Ashes of my Ex-Life.

I was digging through some old posts and I found this one that never got posted for some reason: 

I'm an obsessive journalist. I write down e v e r y t h i n g that happens to me- as it happens. You can find almost all my important thoughts stuffed into binders and boxes in my room. It's really important for me to build life perspective. I do this by writing down what I feel and then digging it back up again six months later and reading about it.

There are parts of my life that aren't important anymore.

Those parts get edited out.

Every life is a story and every story has parts to it- good parts, bad parts, happy parts, sad parts.
Every person has to live through good times and bad times.
Every person has to cry... every person wants something and is brutally crushed in the process...
Everyone faces disappointments. 

Who Outsmarted Who?

Hahahaha! Watching "The Rescuers Down Under" again.... that movie never gets old. Neither does this scene:D 

"My mental facilities are twice what yours are, ya pea brain!"

"I didn't make it all the way through third grade for nothin'!"

Joy to the World

There is always a place for joyful,

if sometimes solemn,

carols for me in this season.

I find myself exhausted from 

Coldplay, Lopez, and Sliversun. 

Carols are rest for me-

 rest from my boombox, rock and roll,

addicted lifestyle;

because, honestly, hip-hop takes

so much emotional energy!

 

I had a dream the other night that I was standing 

in a beautiful avenue between 

a row of buildings late

one night just before Christmas.

Snow was falling deep around me.

The trees along the avenue were decorated

with lights and an unseen choir was

singing this song:

It was so beautiful I wished I would never 

wake up. But, of course, that couldn't

be helped. Long after the beautiful lights and voices

had faded away, I still held onto the feeling

that buried deep in this season 

there is a gift, made especially for me 

before I could walk or talk, before I knew 

my own name, and long before 

I even existed. 

When I sing Christmas Carols I am most

conscious of that gift. They always

have the amazing ability to transport me 

all the way back to my very first Christmases

before I had yet opened that gift

and it lay there, wrapped in festive paper. 

I'm still opening that gift- the gift of a friendship

that will last me this whole life and beyond. 

This is my friendship with Christ Jesus.

The House

She’s old now, her crippled hands

Rest easy in her lap;

Now shut the eyes which twinkled bright

At every merry laugh.

As barren as the dusty walls

As old as chair and crib

The house where she was given birth

The house in which she lives.

The rocking chair she sits in now

Is where she used to nurse.

The tiny crib where she did lay

Her children, she used first.

Luke 2

In the same region there were Shepherds 

out in the field, 

keeping watch over their flock by night.

and an angel of the LORD appeared to them,

and the glory of the Lord shone around them, 

and they were filled with great fear.

And the angel said to them, "Fear not, for behold, 

I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all 

the people.

For unto you is born this day in the City of David 

a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.

And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby

wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger."

And suddenly there was with the Angel a multitude 

of the heavenly host, praising God and saying,

"Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace among those with whom He is pleased!" -Luke 2:8-14

Merry Christmas

Life is an Equation.

I've had my dreams... my aspirations, my disappointments. I expected so much out of life. The funny thing is that the one thing life turned out to be was the very thing I never expected:

My life is just another boring math problem.

It's a problem I have to get to solve every day. I take all the pieces of this equation, line them up on two sides of an equal sign and try desperately to make them match. I work the problem out, first one side and then the other, until it finally occurs to me that I don't even have all the pieces there to begin with.

So, I go out in life gathering experiences to complete my equation but somehow they never seem to be enough to say all that there is about myself. I know I'm going to sound totally arrogant when I say this, but this equation I'm trying so desperately to solve is ME! Not in a lifetime will I be able to solve this equation totally.

Cutie Patootie

Who am I?

I am the tiniest bomb, ticking 1200 beats 

before dropping the weight of a penny 

on some unsuspecting intruder

to my territory.

If you know the answer already, don't tell! Everyone else... I'm interested to see what you come up with. 

The thing about magic is that it works every time. 

Einstein

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." -Albert Einstein

It's Cold Here.

It's cold here:)

The Well Said Blog

This post is, I suppose, kind of embarrassing, but necessary. I have slapped up posts on this site that I regret dreadfully. I wanting nothing more than to rip something down, sometimes, as soon as it goes up. But, for the most part, I haven't. I want to be honest with myself. I would rather go back and critique something than just rip it off. I force myself to read everything I've written many times. I am my own best critic at this moment.

This past week I have been convicted, with respect to my blogging, to rethink my approach and methods to blogging. You see, I have a lot of good things (and bad) to say. I have so much to tell you. But, I can't tell you everything all at once or nothing would make sense. I need to organize my thoughts. I need to say one thing at a time and say it well!

I want this to be a well said blog.

It's not enough to have knowledge or conviction if you can't say it in a way people can understand.

Goodmorning Gorilla

I must have been as hungry as a gorilla this morning. I started cooking and got carried away.

Gorilla Tacos:


Get out the eggs and the fry pan. Turn on the heat and let the pan warm SLOWLY while you whip the eggs and start singing along to to radio. After you scramble the eggs with margarine, dig around in the fridge and find the left over Sunday dinner... pork and 'taters! Yummmmm! 


Skip to the micro and throw in the Tupperware with the pork, taters, and carrots. Warm three minutes. Get the corn tortillas out and arrange six in a shallow bowl. Switch for the Tupperware in the micro. Heat the tortillas for 1 minute. 


Skip back to the stove top and turn off the heat before your eggs burn. Throw the pork, taters, and carrots in the keep warm. Cover with lid. 


Bouncing to the beat of "Let's Get Together" (Parent Trap, 1961) move on back to the microwave for your tortillas. Rearrange them in the shallow bowl, three sets of two in a row so that they will be strong enough to hold your gorilla sized tacos.


Stuff those tacos with eggs, pork, taters, carrots, and drench it in plenty of Red Hot.


Breakfast. 

This. is. home.

A foreigner from warmer lands

Will laugh at us today

While they are huddled warm inside

We run outside to play

Frostbite nips my bright red nose

I snap another one

The frozen lake, the icy park

I call this having fun

I could begrudge the weather here

But I would miss so much

When living life we must enjoy

The cozy AND the harsh

Enjoying every dazzling sight

I’m taking all this in

I don’t care what the weather is

If I call this my home

Finis.

Huzzah! We're finished. Check out the final product on Andrea's Blog. I'm posting is here also, but I apologize profusely for the wacky highlighting. If I don't highlight it grey, for some reason, it wants to have a white highlight.

Sir Glancelot sat at round table with a plethora of admirers, a goblet of wine, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into four triangles. (That's the way that Glancelot liked his sandwiches. He detested having his sandwich cut into squares. His mother had cut them that ways when he was young and he had never forgiven her for it.)

      

     Glancelot had just selected the second triangle from the top (clockwise) and was taking his first, long expected bite when the unthinkable happened. Instead of sinking his glistening pearls into that delectable treat, Glancelot found himself crunching hard bone.

     Glancelot was appalled. "Why," he demanded, "is there a bone in my sandwich?" 

      He didn't expect anyone to reply. People were generally too afraid to talk to him when he was angry. So he was shocked when he heard a gloomy bass voice say, "That would be mine."
 

      More surprising than the voice was the fact that it came from thin air. But no, Glancelot realized when he looked closer, not thin air. It was little more than a slight, gaseous discoloration at first, but the longer he stared at it, the more solid it became. And at last it assumed definite, if rather smoky, form. It was a wraithlike beast. A ghostly dog. 

My World

This was really cool. 

I took a picture out of the window at the houses

across the street one night.

The evening was beautiful... it certainly didn't 

remind me of a winter night.

It was warm and smelled sweet.

The morning after was just as glorious. 

I took the same picture again.

It was a same temperature outside that

it had been the previous night.

But, something was different... 

Maybe it was the golden sunlight

or the warm, gentle breeze. 

Blue Bird House.

Happy Flapper:)

Stories With Andrea

So, I thought that once we've rapped up our story, we'd have a nice critique session going over the whole experience.

The obvious things to cover are what we liked about it, what we didn't like, and what we would change.

Anything else to add?

Day Nine!!!! Almost Done:)

From Andrea:

The bird alighted upon his windowsill.

     "The answer to the widdo," cried Glancelot. "But wah doeth it mean? And be off with you!" The servant bowed out.

     Glancelot turned to the space where the Labrador had been and stared thoughtfully at it, as though it held the answers he sought. 

     "A bird," he said again. "Ith thith the message from my dear Muvvah?"

     And it hit him. The key to the curse was held in this riddle. Birds... what was it the Labrador has said before cursing him? Something about food, a world of food...

     "But wah doeth food have to do with birds?" he wailed.


Continued:

"Oh, Witto bird," said poor Glancelot in dismay. "Is dere anything such a smwall fing could do for my poor dejected self?"

The tiny bird jumped up and began buzzing excitedly around the room. It hovered close to Glancelot's mouth   confusing him for more than a moment. Hesitantly, Glancelot opened his mouth and the tiny creature flew into his mouth and, grasping the wedged bone with it's tiny jaws, plucked the bone free. A delightful sensation beyond anything he had ever experienced flooded Glancelot's mouth as his tongue loosed, his lips tightened, and his jaw began to work once again!

From My Journal Tonight.

Just as there was no reason why we should have been friends to begin with, so there is no reason now why we shouldn't go on being friends.

Day Seven

From Andrea:

"I must find a way to bweak thith dwead cuwse!" he continued meditatively. 
     
     The very faint sound of stifled giggles burst from outside his chamber door. He glared severely at the door, wishing intensely to throw some verbal abuse at the unseen mocker. Glancelot turned again toward the mirror, probing at the splinter of bone with his tongue. 


     "Ow, Muvvah!" he wailed desparingly (but softly), "if onwy your spiwit would guide me again!" 


     "You could say please," said a familiar bass voice. 


     "You!" shouted Glancelot. 


     The ghostly dog nodded. 


     "Perhapth," Glancelot continued, remembering his manners, "you have a message fwom my Muvvah that will help me?" 


     "I might."

Continued:

"First," demanded the ghostly dog, "Answer me this:

"I am the tiniest bomb, ticking 1200 beats

before dropping the weight of a penny

on some unsuspecting intruder

to my territory.  

Who am I?"

Those words were already nothing more than ghostly echos as the Labrador vanished back into thin air. 

"A Widdo!" cried Glancelot. "Just wah I needed! A widdo!" 

 Glancelot sat down gloomily on the edge of his bathtub until the servant finally arrived with the bath salts. As the door opened, a tiny object shot through opening, knocking the servant aside. 

"A bird!" said Glancelot. "The tiniest bird!" 

Two Songs

Two songs for tonight.

Even when my heart's breakes, and everything's shaken....

You won't let me go!

PARPARAPARADISE

They have nothing to do with each other, but, hey!

New Look.

So I got sick and tired of my blog background. It was supposed to be themed after the story that Andrea and I are writing. I hated the red and the fluer-de-lise so much I was about to throw up. I'm not so sure about this new look, though. I can't seem to settle on what I want.

The Simple Joys of Life.

A snake brings joy to my baby sister:)

Taters...ready to boil. 

Christmas Cheer!

Day Five

I'm in so much trouble....

I'm two days late already! Sorry Andrea:(

From Andrea:

Glancelot's shock gave way to sheer panic as a most inexplicable sensation overtook him. His mouth suddenly became filled with a substance which was by no means familiar: something like an eel and something like raw pie crust and altogether a hideous feeling indeed. Glancelot gasped, the full weight of this sepulchral visitor's words hitting him... Putty... Tongue... Curse. No taste! No speech! No taste!!

     "My mother?" he choked incoherently. "She sent you here to curse me? How could she do this?"

     “Were I you,” barked the Labrador, “I’d worry less about my mother’s sense of humor and more about how to break the curse.”

Continued:


Glancelot gazed dejected into the mirror the next morning.

"Wediquwas!" he blubbered. The inside of his mouth looked no different than anyone else's except for a small splinter of bone that was wedged between his back molars. He picked at it, trying desperately to get it out.

Useless. Not only was the previous night's party a terrible disaster in which he was brutally laughed at, his own servants were sneering at him behind closed doors. His own dear Gwen was no doubt spreading the rumor among her close maids. 

"Enoufwpt!" cried Glancelot. "Thith thall not go on for anover moment!" 

Thankful

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;

for his steadfast love endures forever!

Let Israel say,

“His steadfast love endures forever.”

Let the house of Aaron say,

“His steadfast love endures forever.”

Let those who fear the LORD say,

“His steadfast love endures forever.”

Out of my distress I called on the LORD;

the LORD answered me and set me free.

The LORD is on my side; I will not fear.

Trouble With Adults

This is for every kid who is confronted with that age-old question that every grown up asks (especially as they get closer and closer to the end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood) and can give no other answer besides a short pause and a long, Uuuhhh...

I've been there.

So, Tina! What are you going to do after high school? Where are you going to college? Do you have your license yet? When do you turn eighteen? Any boyfriends? Who are you going to be? What are you going to do????

Ahk!!!! STOP IT!

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!

Alone.

I drove home tonight

                                Alone.

I walked into a quiet, sleeping house.

I picked up the cold dinner they left for me and heated it

                                Alone.

I ate it, standing up in the kitchen

                                Alone.

It wasn't as painful as it used to be at first. I'm starting to get used to is. I don't think I'll ever be okay with being alone. I don't think the pain gets any better.

I think that most of our lives we will spend alone.

I came to that realization this year.

I stand before God         Alone.

He judges me                               alone.

The people and the things that I love

         will all be taken away from me one day.

On that day, I will die and take nothing with me.

It should not come as a surprise to me that I am sitting here typing these words and I am alone in the house that I call home.

I'm not talking to anyone.

I'm just being ALONE.

(P.S. Have you read this book, "My Many Colored Days" by Dr. Suess? I love that book so much. It is one of my all time favorites. It is a comfort to me when I am confused, but mostly when I am lonely.)

Day Three:)

From Andrea:

Glancelot was appalled. "Why," he demanded, "is there a bone in my sandwich?"

     He didn't expect anyone to reply. People were generally too afraid to talk to him when he was angry. So he was shocked when he heard a gloomy bass voice say, "That would be mine."

     More surprising than the voice was the fact that it came from thin air. But no, Glancelot realized when he looked closer, not thin air. It was little more than a slight, gaseous discoloration at first, but the longer he stared at it, the more solid it became. And at last it assumed definite, if rather smoky, form. It was a wraithlike beast. A ghostly dog.

Continued:

“Is this what your mother would have?!” demanded the ghostly dog. “Here you sit with a world of food to explore, yet what do you do? You refuse to eat anything but PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWHICHES!” I’m not sure how much of this Glancelot was retaining. The utter shock and surprise of have one’s meal interrupted by an ethereal Labrador robbed him of any faculty of recollection.

“How many times did your mother try to convince you that there is more out there than this peasant’s snack? On your mother’s grave, a curse to you- a Putty Tongue curse!” 

Day One

"Sir Glancelot sat at round table with a plethora of admirers, a goblet of wine, and a peanut butter and  jelly sandwich cut into four triangles. (That's the way that Glancelot liked his sandwiches. He detested having his sandwich cut into squares. His mother had cut them that ways when he was young and he had never forgiven her for it.)


Glancelot had just selected the second triangle from the top (clockwise) and was taking his first, long expected bite when the unthinkable happened. Instead of sinking his glistening pearls into that delectable treat, Glancelot found himself crunching hard bone." 

It's Story Time!

So Andrea and I decided that we should do a story together. Basically, I start by writing the first hundred words of the story and posting it on my blog. The next day, she reads my post and writes the next hundred words as soon as she can. It's supposed to be spontaneous. We will do this for ten days and see where our story leads... The real challenge is to find a conclusion in all this madness. (That's going to be Andrea's job- Good luck!)

I'm also temporarily changing my wallpaper to fit the theme- Knights! Be sure to check out Andrea's theme, though... I think it's ghosts! She might even be persuaded to change her wallpaper too- we'll see:D


With that out of the way, here goes the first part:

Expectations are premature disappointments. 

Secret Meadows and Sweet Messages.

I was at school today, waiting for Mom to pick me up. I love my school. It's located in my favorite place in the whole world... downtown Littleton. I love downtown Littleton. I fell in love with it three years ago and I've never grown out of it. 

Of all the things I love about downtown Littleton, the thing I love the most are the secret, hidden places under the roads. Okay, so all over Littleton are these gullies and streams. Whenever the road crosses over a stream, a secret wonderland is formed. Paths and walkways run under the roads as well and wherever the two cross, you get these really cool tunnels. So, imagine you're walking along the road and you come to a bridge. Lean over the side of the hand railing and look down into a secret meadow below ground level, filled with golden sunlight.

Food for Thought

I was doing some blog browsing and found an interesting quote from Alex Flores


"There comes a point in ones life where you hit rick bottom it may be financially, emotionally, or totally. But there also comes a time in everyone's life where you hit a moral rick bottom where you find out what you are truly made of and what are you true weaknesses. But the focus isn't on the fall but that we learn to get back up and what you become after hitting rock bottom. To all who have hit, are there or haven't and will hit rock bottom, stand strong and be who you were made to be. Live today for the sake of tomorrow, never give up, never give in, and never say die!"


Food for thought:)

It's always the right time to be yourself.

From My Journal Tonight....

"I told myself that a kind and generous man sat in this chair and spoke from his heart the words that woke me every morning. But all I heard was the voice of an awkward girl who never felt comfortable in her own skin."     

Walking in Cement Boots.

I have to laugh at myself at least once every day. My young life pretty much consists, right now, of...

Learning how to park a car


Putting the keys in the SAME PLACE every time so I don't LOSE them


Struggling to get the words in my head out of my mouth in a sensible fashion.


Remembering to put my name on quizzes... so I don't get marked off!!

Saying all the wrong things.

Walking in Cement Boots. 


And, frankly, just being a kid. The toughest thing for me to do right now, and I'm not even sure why this is, is simply to relax and enjoy all of this foolishness the way I should. 


I wish I could enjoy my life now, but I think too hard and too much about it. I'm too worried I'll lose something...what? What do I have to lose? 


Everything it seems.... everything and nothing. I was wondering about what it means to have something. I was thinking about all the things I have and realizing that I don't really have much.


All the things I thought I had I don't really have at all. What I thought I lost I never even had to begin with.


That pretty much sums up friendship. If I understand friendship, I know that it is spontaneous. You cannot ask for it, even if you want it more than anything else in the world. You cannot control it. And, when it is ready to leave, you cannot keep it from going.


There is only one thing that you can do. You can take what you've been given for a short while, love that, and let it go when the time is right. 


Only then can you really relax and enjoy what you have. I'm afraid I've been so worried that I'm going to lose what I have that I haven't spent any time enjoying it.


That's a shame, really.   

Soon And Very Soon.

The Night Has Passed

Awake the morning with my tears

Forgot why I was crying

Stumble, throw the shades apart

See! The sun is rising!

Remember something dark

…….and distant

A struggle in the night.

Evil laughter, faceless voice

A solitary fight.

Locked in mortal battle

My enemy and I

He swore the dark shall overcome

I held on to my hope.

As sunlight floods my bedroom

All this I recall

Paling before a golden sun

The night has passed away. 

No. 2

Awake at midnight

Feel the darkness around me

Creak, bang! the back gate

NEED BLOG HELP!!

So, I hoped you've been snooping around the blog a little and you've checked out my Projects page. Here's where I need a little help from my blogger buddies! On this page, I want to have individual post about the different projects I'm doing. Somebody told me that I can tag a post in such a way that it only shows up on a special page. Is that true??

Another dilemma... I want to have special pages with my short stories on it. Under the pages section when I'm editing, however, I have to choose ALL pages being hidden or ALL showing up as tags. SO, how do I create a special page that I can link separate from my other pages that show up as tabs?

I would appreciate the help;)

I Failed This Time.

So I've been going through old diaries and compiling a notebook of my high school years. There's a lot for me to go through in my life. Frankly, I just want to forget that whole time. When it was really good, it was really, really good. When it was bad, though, I would lose all hope. I don't like going through my past like that. It goes against my grain.

However, there are certain things that if you don't deal with them right away, it will screw you up for years and years- maybe the rest of you life. For me, it's my anger. I've pretty much come to the point in my life that I cannot move on until I've dealt with my anger. There are things that I wanted- things I had my heart set on and they were ripped right out of my grasp. When I want something that's really, really good and I don't get it, I just stew on it forever.

That pretty much sums up my diaries. What I wanted. How bad I wanted it. How much it hurts that I don't get it.

I feel like a grape between the pavement and God's thumb.


God has this incredible way of squashing my dreams.

He also has this incredible way of showing me for who I really am.


Reading my diaries forces me to look at myself. It forces me to see the mighty hand of God in my life. Those diaries are just a long and selfish complaint against God. He gives me good things, and I covet them. He takes those good things away and I lash out at him.


I have so far to go still.

I Failed This Time. This Time..... I Failed.


God has broken my pride. I've told you before and I'll say it again. I've lost so much this year. Really, I had my life all worked out. All my friends were right where I wanted them to be. I had the next ten years of my life all mapped out.

Then, guess what? God slammed the door in my face.

It not about you, Tina. It's not about you and your amazing ministry. Your gifts are just that- gifts. They can be taken away as easily as they are given.

I have failed as a friend, as a sister, and a daughter. My life is all twisted in knots sometimes. Honestly, I don't know what's around the next corner. I'm just going to school and doing my time. One foot in front of the other. That's the way it goes.

Failing is a human thing. Rome wasn't built in a day. Edison took years to see the light. For every person that has summited Mount Everest, I'm sure there are two that have failed.

Right now, I just feel so human. I feel really, really human and really, really young. I feel so young. I feel like I have so many years to go. I feel so finite. And God feels really infinite right now.

I don't know how else to describe this. Success and failure... what do they have anything to do with eternal things? These are waves on our graph of the progression of redemption. Everyone fails sometimes. In the end, we will look back and see what exactly was the purpose for all of these failures.

Failing helps me remember I'm human. It humbles me and brings me back to what really matters in my life.

I won't always fail. Sometimes I will succeed. But, the little things I succeed at in this life are not where everything ends.

What if.... instead of failing I had succeeded?


What does that profit me? What I have now is a sobering lesson in the realities of life. What I have gained from failing I never would have learned by succeeding:

1. I'm Human.


2. This is not where life ends.


3. It's not about me.

Spaced Out! :D

A super nerdy video for my spaced out blog!

Isn't it amazing what we humans have been able to do? Don't you think MER almost has his own personality? My favorite parts are when the big balloon thing drops out of the air and start bouncing around in the ground. I also like it when the arm comes out and start buzzing up the rock face. So. Awesome.

Zero Negative Space

For the thousandth time my friend walked up to me and started complaining about me not having a Facebook. "Tina, why don't you have a fb??!!" I started the usual response by listing all the evils of the internet, but that left me so unsatisfied. My reasons for not having a fb have always been, up to this point, because my parents said no. There have been many times where I complained to them about being deprived of an internet social life. But, I really saw the wisdom in what they said. Not having a fb has left me free of so much misery that I see in other friends. This is not true of every person, but I know that for some people fb has left them tied in knots emotionally. I would love to go into a discussion about that, but not right now.

First, I want to think through exactly why I don't have a fb. I have thought and thought about it until it hit me this morning. The question is,

"What does fb have to offer me that I don't already have?"

Well, nothing at the moment. I have a fine social strata, a phone that I text on all the time, a blog, an email, ect...

The honest reason I don't have a fb is that I don't need one. For me, if I don't need it I don't have it. I mean, I intentionally cut it out of my life. In order to better explain this, I need to dig a little deeper into a different discussion. Believe it or not, it's a discussion of negative and positive space.

Aftermath.

I am found, in the aftermath...

Head Love and Heart Love

There are lots of different kinds of love. I figured that out.

Easy love and hard love.

Fast love and slow love.

New love and old love.

Cheap love and precious love.

Heart love and head love.


And sometimes, very, very rarely those two loves are deeply and mysteriously intertwined to create the very best kind of love- head-heart love.

That kind of love is the deepest and the rarest, and so hard to find these days.

I found that love.

Search my Heart.

Lord, search my heart.


Search my soul....

Biggest Loser.

If I haven't told you already, I'm deep into a season of loss. This year I've lost more than I can express. There are just those years in everyone's life where God takes everything away... everything. You walk alone and everyday is more painful than the previous.

The first thing I lost was my sense of life mission. For years I've wanted to be an overseas missionary. Through special ways, God has revealed to me that's not exactly what He has in mind for me. That has been crushing to accept.

The next thing that happened is that I lost two siblings at once. My sister married and moved away and my brother graduated college and moved to Mississippi. The loneliness I've experienced because of that is piercing.

My uncle passed way. My grandpa left us. Just when I thought nothing could get worse, I had to face something I never expected. My closest friends changed so fast that one by one they moved on to different stages of life.


Do you know what it's like to have a best friend? Do you know what it's like to love someone more than you could every express? To lose that person is to lose so much of yourself. The grief that consumes you is enough to take over your whole life.

Love is Waiting.

Beautiful Jess showed me this song first. This is for her tonight. I'm thinking of you, Jess! You are the inspiration for this blog and a comfort to me during this time. We don't get to talk much anymore, but I've never missed one of your blog posts.

I was reading through your old blog posts, looking for help. I came across this.... it means so much to me<3

I'm going to write a post about love in a little bit... stay tuned.

Love you, Jess<3

Time

I was doing the dishes and thinking, what is time? Is there really such thing as time? Or, better, is time finite or infinite?

I decided that time was infinite. After all, if I can divide real numbers infinitely and time is a very real, measured thing then why can't it be infinite too? But, I believe that before I go on I must define time itself.

I see time as a human invention used to describe how mass changes. We measure how mass changes over time. We also understand mass very well by how it relates to time. However, it mass limited to time? These three questions came out.

Can I describe mass without using time?
Can I understand mass without using time?
Can I change mass without using time?

Dear Jesus...

Dear Jesus,


Of all the things I could be in love with right now, I'm in love with you.


All the boys, all the noise. I could be saving the earth. I could be leaping tall building, rocking every weekend. Seriously, think of all the time I could save for my favorite recreations if I just cut you out of me weekend altogether.


A man stopped me at school today. "Hey, girl! Have you heard about Green Peace?" Full of passion and so much energy, he told me how he was going to save the world.


I wished for one thing in that moment... I wished I could have told him how YOU saved your people 2,000 years ago.


But, I didn't.


I just smiled and walked away. What would I say, if I did say anything? How would I even start the conversation?


"Hi, I don't even know who you are. All I know is that you're from Green Peace and you want to save the world. Let me introduce you to the love of my life. He saved ME so I don't have to save the world. This world is not all there is to life. This world isn't the end. It's going to pass away one day and all there will be left is God. That's all I have in the life. What do you have?"

Do you know how hard it is to get that out of my mouth? It's a little bold, I gant that. It's probably better that I don't say everything that I'm thinking.

I want YOU to know what I'm thinking, though. I want you to know that I think your love is better than life. I want you to know that of all the things I could love right now...

I love you.

~Tina

Happy Birthday to Me!

18 random lesson from 2011:

1. There's a first for everything... like this blog.

2. You know how some people just wait for accident to happen? Well, accidents are just waiting for ME to happen.

3. Two wrongs don't make a right, but chocolate covers a multitude of sins.

4. According to the Ultimate Authority at Denver Motor Vehicle, one must STOP for three mississippi's at a stop sign before continuing.

5. It actually takes the minute hand longer to travel up the top of the hour then to fall down to the bottom. We scientifically tested this, people... in Trigonometry.

6. There is a direct relationship between the amount of peanut butter empty from my jug and the volume of sushine in my heart.

7. When given the choice between two ladies, a gentlman always chooses the one with a stick of gum.

8. The inverse of sine is NOT 1/sin. It just isn't people, not matter how hard you want it to be. The inverse of sine can only be sin^(-1).

9. I havn't changed one einsy meinsy bit.

10. Dr Pepper 10- not for women.

11. USFA has now descided that the bib is target area for a foil fencer. WHAT EVER!!!!

12. It takes two to giggle about absolutely nothing

13. Life goes by really fast. Blink and it's

gone.

14. Droids are the bomb... so is Skype:)

15. Don't worry, be happy.

16. Love what you've got. There's a reason why you have it.

17. I forgot this one.

18. When you lost everything there is to lose; when you're friends disown you and the only hook left to hang your hat on is trouble, it's nice to know that Wendy's still serves all natural beef patties.