Sunday, December 11, 2011

Life is an Equation.

I've had my dreams... my aspirations, my disappointments. I expected so much out of life. The funny thing is that the one thing life turned out to be was the very thing I never expected:

My life is just another boring math problem.

It's a problem I have to get to solve every day. I take all the pieces of this equation, line them up on two sides of an equal sign and try desperately to make them match. I work the problem out, first one side and then the other, until it finally occurs to me that I don't even have all the pieces there to begin with.

So, I go out in life gathering experiences to complete my equation but somehow they never seem to be enough to say all that there is about myself. I know I'm going to sound totally arrogant when I say this, but this equation I'm trying so desperately to solve is ME! Not in a lifetime will I be able to solve this equation totally.

Before any of us can reach out and grasp all that life has to offer us, we must conquer ourselves. We must master the equations that so accurately define us. The real pain and frustration comes from the fact that this is a bottomless pit. There is no end to our equations. Even when we have lived our whole lives and die at an old age, we still will not have totally solved the equation, although we may have solved an awful lot.

The more of the equation that you solve, the better a person you are. The more you solve, the more settled you become. Some have solved their equations to a vast extent, but others have mostly given up and let their lives consume them. I want so desperately to solve my equation. I must do it, for everything is confusing otherwise.

This unfinished equation is like a millstone around my neck, handicapping my every effort to be useful. Because I have not mastered my equation, my days are colored with insecurity. My friendships are filled with jealousy and hatred on my part for which there is no clear reason. I am consumed with envy for people and lifestyle that I have never met and know nothing about because I do not know enough about life to realize none of those things further my equation whatsoever.

I am the first and greatest puzzle I must solve. Before I can enjoy life or make sense of it at all, I must work out my equation enough to grasp the rhythm of it.

I need more experience, more numbers, more pieces to the equation. I fear that the accumulation of such is nothing more than a matter of time.  

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My quick report
Your tender rebuke
Three wise-men